I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
