You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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