She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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