i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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