I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
