I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
