We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
