allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
