Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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