I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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