I think im going to throw up on grandma
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
