If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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