If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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