just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Randomize
