Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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