I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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