girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
