A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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