i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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