i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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