Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
