Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
