I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
