Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
