Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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