i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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