Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
even my farts smell like vagina
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first