We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
