i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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