When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
