I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
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i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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