Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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