Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize