Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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