The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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