Yo dont text me then not text me
tonight lets celebrate not being married
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
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