I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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