I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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