Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
