you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
