there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
