I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
