I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
