I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
