he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
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