everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
