you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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