What did I eat last night that was bloody?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
