Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
