if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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