how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
