How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
