I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
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Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
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Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️