Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!