one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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