just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
