I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
