and i looked up. we had an audience...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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