grandma shit on top of the toilet
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
