he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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