My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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