that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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