Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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