my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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